exam

after so many years of experiences, i still don't like exams. this one coming up is my comps, that's probably 2nd to the last i should have in my career of "education". wish me all the best!

eclipse of my heart

happiness mixed with emptiness... i am so happy that he is finally granted what we have wanted. today he embarked on a new journey, awaiting for me to join him.

with all the preparation we have time for, it is still inevitable. i feel a deep sense of loss, even though i know it is only for a short time. all of a sudden, the emotion of our long-distance courtship returns, as if we had not been staying together at all. but i know, this deep sense of loss comes from the everyday presence for the past 6 months.

it is bright and sunny outside, but there is an eclipse inside of my body. he left this morning and he took a piece of me with him without knowing it.

can't wait to see you soon.

love

july 2010 - love blue

wow...i am shocked yet delighted to know that this blog is still functional. but after such a long duration of neglect, probably nobody is reading it anymore. haha...but that is fine, it gives me space to post my thoughts which need neither feedback nor answers.

let's see, it's been 2 years since i posted the last blog. much had happened but i don't remember the details (sign of aging i guess) =P the most significant event that happened to me was that i got engaged and married. it was a great event of my adult life. it's also a great accomplishment and blessing in a sense to have had found someone to share my life with.

it's over 6 months now since the marriage. reality has settled in that i am no longer all by myself to roam around freely. but a good relationship (whether before or after marriage) takes hard work and constant efforts. i find myself needing to adjust my expectation all the time because i am too idealistic to begin with? but without much luck, the same issues keep recurring. i don't think i have changed, or have i? but i just don't feel the same amount of affection. it's been on the slide. there are so many sad parting out there...i know i am far from that, but i can't say i am content with my marriage the way i have wanted/wished it to be like. i feel our emotional exchanges unbalanced . when i try to hold back, it is so obvious that it totally stops (sigh)...

but like someone had said, as long as the time you are happy is more than the time you are unhappy, then that's enough. i am sure i am more happy than unhappy even if nothing happens. i am tired of bringing up the same things over and over like a cry-baby that i want more attention and affection, but i hope a change of conditions later on will help reset our relationship.

i am realizing more and more differences between men and women which i thought were juvenile or bogus before, but slowly i have to admit that the norm out there somehow exist in my own home, even at a lesser degree.

hope all the couples out there appreciate each other and hold dear those sweet quality moments. otherwise, you are so far away even though you are just next to each other.

in 23 days...

i will proudly walk out the dungeon and breathe the air of freedom once again! who is going to celebrate with me?

i will be back...soon

my dear loyal readers,

for the most part of 2007, i don't know what happened....and why i never returned here to post, it's a mystery. but i just finished the most labor intensive part of my thesis writing and will be back to post my updates as often as there's anything note-worthy.

see you before long and happy 2008, hope you are reading this still in jan, 2008.

aloha

i wrote him

Dear (Big boss),

Please regard this email as a personal correspondence between you and me.

I was a bit shocked when I first saw your email asking for a weekly report and plan. But I took a few moments to realize your need in better knowing what I am involved in since I do not directly deal with you at work on a regular basis. And it is of course not a difficult task to fulfill for both you and (the right hand woman's) benefits, which I am willing to do from now on.

But I would like to express to you that, on the other hand, I find the reason behind this request demaning and undignified. For I have tried my very best to follow the rules and do my work, and working hard even overtime when needs arise, I feel that my ethic and integrity of work, or as a person, is being questioned and scrutinized. I would not have written you this email to express to you such strong sadness if I did not find myself crying over such small matter. I rarely cry but this really hurt my pride and feelings.

I am not sure what you response may be, but since I am your student, I would like to be honest with you.

Please excuse me for being immature or unskilled, I am willing to learn and improve and do the right thing. But at times, I find myself helpless.

Aloha

demeaned

recently one unfortunate thing after another at work had depressed me- mostly due to one particular person, a manipulative and powerful woman. it's amazing what a woman can do sometimes!

today i was asked from my big boss of a weekly report of what experiments i conduct and what my plan will be the week to follow. it makes perfect sense to me for him who wants to know what is going on which cannot be provided from her. i find having to report to a 2nd level demeaning, my work ethics and integrity questioned.

i am especially emtionally perturbed because i feel wronged for having tried the very best to be responsible and hard-working. i asked for no reward, yet i ask not for questionings.

this is what i would really want to say to my big boss:
if i were to express my feelings regarding your request of a weekly report to be demeaning and undignified, but at the same time i find it is of my own benefits because you can no longer rely on your right hand woman to be responsible of what i do, of whom i was supposed to be supervised under!

should i write to him?

white hair

feb 16, 2007, at the age of 27, i got my very first white hair. the hair was half pigmented and half white--silver white. i had been stressed, but didn't realize i was THAT stressed.

life's short, black hair day may also be over soon...so cherish our youth!