start all over

this is my first post in 2005 and i want to start fresh so i deleted everything i wrote before. well, i feel like writing again because i am feeling lost. this is the first time in a long while. remember i felt lost when i just graduated two years ago. though i had great dreams and plans, none worked out. or i should say, it was taking a while to get there. maybe i was just impatient. but it was a really heartfelt deep feeling of sadness. it lasted for one and a half month and i called that depression myself. it was in my own term and under my own diagnostic definition. luckily i got out of it as i met a friend who was going through similar things. we supported each other.

now i am not as sad. but i am once again feeling lost. but i have made plans...plans that would take care of me for the next five years, it's called graduate school. i start to realize how much i like to be institutionalized. but maybe i am just full of contraditions. when i am in a program, i can't wait to get out and have the freedom and time to do whatever i want. though i am not in school, i am working and it's work that i need to put in effort so i am not really free to do whatever i want. but yeah, i still like to be in a program and keep busy all the time. that makes me feel more productive. i like that. i like the feeling of having accomplished a lot. i like to feel tired after a full day of work or play. that's a very good feeling.

my good friend is still on vacation in HK. i really miss her. but the thought of her potential moving back strikes me uncertain. where should i be then? do i belong here? where do i belong? as a foreign worker in the U.S. i feel i have a lot taken away from me. maybe this is not where i should consider home? home is where my heart is...and now i am still up for some exploration and great traveling. my heart is everywhere. my soul is relentless. i guess, it's a good thing because i am still young and i should be exploring all the possibilities in life. maybe i am just experiencing some down time after a period of stressful exam and application preparation. now i have got some time in hand, i should do more fun stuff.

it was such a wonderful year last year, with great travel and a lot of rare visits with distant friends. i hope this year will be another wonderful year. i hope good surprises never stop coming.

best wishes to all for 2005 and best wishes to the Tsunami survivors.